Brother, I received your request to come and pirate in my room this academic year. I am sorry for you bro, that you never secured a room due to the nasty online room booking thing and have to resort to pirating or look for a house off-campus. I will however accept to umbrella you for this semester. I understand what you are going through and I am not happy when I see you going through that mental torment. I expect maximum cooperation from you throughout our stay. Bro,usiwe na shaka.Dunia ni kusaidiana.
Before I completely welcome you share a bed with me, I wish to request some few things from you:
i. Food Bills are on You
As I had assured you, you will pay nothing for our stay. I am sure that you will neither tell your parents that you are pirating in my room nor sign a ‘Piracy Form’ with the Halls Department to that effect. With all due respect, I wish to entrust you with the responsibility of making sure that we don’t sleep hungry. We shall be cooking together what you will provide and I will be dining with you on one table in front of our other roommates.
ii. Coil Seeking and Booking is Offline
Since you were unlucky online, I bet you are good with offline matters. I have already relived you from the nervous tension of walking all the way to the main gate or crossing Njokerio Bridge late at night going to your place. Furthermore, I have relieved you from the stress of looking for a house to rent outside campus. Look, I have relieved you from the numerous problems that the landlord would shove unto you. I at this juncture request that you exclude me from the task of ‘kuomba coil kitchenette.’ It’s offline and you don’t need bundles for that!
iii. Pirating Friends have a right to Exile anybody at Daytime.
I know you are familiar with this monster called ‘exile.’ three other roommates and I have been allocated this room and by the look of things, the total number of those who will be living inside it are eight in number. Each person will be having a pirating friend. In spite of this, we shall all be equal but there will be others who will be more equal than others. This comprises of those who have the room allocated to them and they will be entitled to exiling anybody at night. Those of your league who will be pirating can exile the rest of us during the day. When the sun is high.
iv. Room Cleanliness is Priority.
Since we shall be living the eight of us in this room, it will no longer be a hostel but a dormitory. And as you see, each one of us will be having one or two girlfriends and so we shall be receiving an average of ten girlfriend visits in a day. With this I know in your mind you have considered the need to keep the room clean. As earlier affirmed, there are others who are more equal than others, personally if allocated the cleaning duty ,I will forward it to you.
v. Entertainment Rules.
Unlike in other dormitories we expect to have two televisions and two home theaters. So, when my girlfriend is with me all the televisions and a home theater are automatically mine. You are also warned against crossing the television screen when we are watching a series, soap opera, champions’ league or an American action movie. Without forgetting, the remote controls will always be in my hands whether on or off. To ensure that we meet our entertainment development call, we require you to contribute to the to the purchasing of the above named gadgets my dear pirating friend.
vi. Miriam is Mine
I know you know Mir. She is mine. After a series of consultations between me and my other legal roommates, she is the only lady who will be entitled to a duplicate key to our room. I expect you to accord her all the necessary respect and cooperation. Whenever she wants to change, kindly move out for at least fifteen minutes. Should I smudge you exchanging glances with her; I will be really sorry since you will have to look for another pirating spot.
I can now completely welcome you. You are welcome bro, when are you coming?