No warnings please, I am a Retrosexual.
In Kenya, Everything goes,Willy Paul Released Tiga Wana and its so okay, I hated that song but few weeks ago I found myself rhyming in some dusty Matatu to town “Nikipiga Wera ,iwe wera Noma!” , I wish some lady somewhere would change her mind about me the same way I seem to be softening up on Willy Poze.Convincing her that am just one of the good guys has been really difficult, I have released enough words that could sum up to Mugabe’s acceptance speeches since he took power as President, but who am I ? , of course am the only man with one ex-girlfriend among my friends, probably the only man who is not aware of his relationship status as we slowly welcome February, what a blessing. This is the Retrosexual’s Corner and I am Mr. Retrosexual.
There are a lot of things I would say about my life around this time that would give context to this story, First, congratulations Donald, you have finally taken over as president and you have scrapped off that stuff about Gay marriages, you have done me proud, I don’t know what you are going to do next or rather for the next four or five years in office, for me you have already made it, America is already great again. Back home they are pushing us to go get register to vote, my grandmother has been voting, she is now more than a hundred years, she has seen all the presidents Kenya has had ever since from their childhood ,she still sells her illicit brew. Elections are coming in august and am not sure of very many things in life at the moment, am not sure of getting married before the elections, am not also sure if I will vote, maybe you think I am so bad, if you hacked back into the manifestos that driven the previous election for a second, you would have said the same damn thing. So don’t mind me, instead let me tell you how this election will be won.
The polling stations are opened at around Six in the morning, you know how Kenyans sleep ,specifically the light skins who by then shall have traveled back home to vote ,any aspirant hoping to win these elections must first win all the light-skins,in a nation where every damsel thinks being too light in complexion, they have a chance to survive, some of them have resorted to changing the color of their skin, if you manage to convince them that it’s not too cold ,they can wake up at six or seven and not at 12PM as most of them do ,if you can convince them to brave the sun and line up ,something their skin tone is going to be against, if you can get past their weaves and tell them that there is no polling station on Instagram them you are a winner already.
You see the kind of ladies we have at the moment have an in-depth idea about Nicki Minaj and Vera sidika than they know Raila Or Uhuru, Jubelee or NASA to them does not exists, they wanna vote in that guy Mwenye anajua kuongea na “madiva” ,no wonder most of them are talking about Hassan Joho like he is some new type of Weave in town,listen,Joho might have won a lot of them with his so called swag but he must know that “Sisi hatunaga swaga kabisa” .Wives will be woken up by their husbands to go and vote in Kamwana or Give Baba the vote for the last time, Male Kenyan Youths be vigilant on each other on the vibe of “Venye tuko kesho twendeni pamoja tuhakikishe tunaweka six piece” but the ladies, the light-skins,the divas, if you aren’t going to get them out of bed then you are not winning this.
That said, you can share your thoughts on the comment box below or on twitter @KoyoOdongo and @MagazineReel, am on Instagram @anchorkoyo.