Well,its Thursday,time for #ThrowbackThursday ,hope you have had a beautiful week,we hacked back into history and filed this story for you.Check it out.
There was once a lady who thought that she knew a thing or two about fashion. So she went ahead and designed the smallest miniskirt ever seen on earth.
She did not get very far with her miniskirt as she and her husband were banned from the land where they were trying to open a clothes shop.The lady was none other than Eve wife of Adam and the mother of a fellow called Cain and another one called Abel. She and her husband lived in a place (or was it a garden?) called Eden and she thought that a single leaf was enough to wear as the only form of clothing.
She wore that mini-skirt in Eden until she and her man discovered that man and woman could not live on mangoes alone and so they ate forbidden apples.Soon Adam and Eve were Enoosupukiad from Eden but that woman had already started enough trouble in the world. By inventing the mini-skirt, she brought trouble to many men and women who today would have been living in peace.If you do not believe me ask a lady called Zainabu Musa, who happens to live in this city of “I is the mayor and they are just Kanjuras”. She lives in this city where even the mayor cannot use a public toilet since there isn’t a single one which has not been turned into a kiosk and she knows what Eve, wife of Adam did to her.If you have forgotten, Zainabu is the skirt wearer who took Eve’s lessons on how to make mini-skirts very seriously. As a result, the other week, she walked out of her house wearing something close to a fig leaf to cover the lower part of her body.When you wear a fig leaf in the name of a skirt, a number of things are likely to happen. One of them is that some Kenyans who happen to be of the male species suddenly develop X-ray eyes. This is to say that they see more than the mini- skirt is revealing.
Borrowing a leaf
The sight of a woman borrowing a leaf from Eve and wearing a fig tree leaf also tends to make the imagination of men who certainly have the brains of Mogotio goats to start imagining that there is more than what they are seeing revealed by the mini-skirt and what their X-ray eyes have seen. It would be alright if they just saw and imagined.
Instead as Zainabu will tell you, they decide that they were given the sword of fire by none other than Jehovah himself to strike those who dare wear fig leaves when such attire was banned a long time ago in the Garden of Eden. So they struck Zainabu with that sword of fire and in a flash she was looking like Eve before she discovered how to make a mini-skirt from a fig leaf. This is to say that she was left wearing a three-piece suit, meaning totally naked. Some of those men said that they were trying to teach her how to dress and their idea of doing so is by taking away even the single leaf covering the vital statistics of a woman.
I do not have X-ray eyes and my imagination is not quite up to date so I do not imagine things when I see a skirt wearer trying to show more than she wants to hide by wearing a skirt that is as short as a thumb nail. What I wonder is why some of them do not just decide to go totally naked.
Let us start with this one whom I saw last week. It was one of those crazy February days. I say crazy because in the morning, the sun was threatening to bum the top of my head until it became as soft as a boiled egg and then in the afternoon, the heavens opened and it rained.
This means that all umbrellas were taking a break at home including that one of this lady who was walking as if her waist was made from coil springs. The waist was bobbing up and down, left and right as if being moved by a programmed computer. The rains didn’t understand that the skirt wearer who had a waist made of coil springs was also wearing not less than two thousand shillings on her head. The two thousand was in the name of hair that had been cooked and re-cooked in a hair salon. In other words, that hair had suffered from a pressure cooker for that is what I call those pots that are put on women’s heads when they go to hair salons. I hear those pressure cookers are officially called dryers when the only dryers I know are those used to dry maize by the cereals board.
Anyway, that skirt wearer I am talking about had put her head into that pressure cooker for a number of hours and the result was that she was wearing something called perm on her head.It might not have been perm. It could have been a bob, a weave, curly kit or a straight kit. For those who don’t know, those are different tribes of hairstyles. I should know all that because I happen to be the father of the Investment alias the Pajero and the husband of Thatcher. The two happen to have hair which is in love with pressure cookers in salons particularly when I am doing the paying. I was telling you about this other skirt wearer who was wearing perm or in other words, some two or so thousand shillings on her head. When a skirt wearer is wearing that kind of money on her head, she does not wear a helmet to hide the Bob hairstyle. She walks with her head high like a secretary bird so that all can see that she also knows a thing or two about pressure cookers. She then assumes that God is not such a sadist as to make rain fall when she has no umbrella and destroy the two thousand bob job on her head.
Rain has its own programme and it does not consult anybody when it decides to fall. It fell without warning and when the first few drops dropped, you would have thought that a nuclear bomb had exploded. The lady with two thousand bob on her head turned towards the heavens with a look that said that God must have something against her.
Looking for some place. She then dashed to her left looking for some place to put her head but there was nowhere to hide. She dashed right and once again there was nowhere to hide. Then she saw a car that was parked nearby and dashed towards it. It was closed and her head told her that her hair would be safe if she ducked under the car. She made an attempt to get under that car but then something happened and it was that the mini- skirt that she was wearing defied the laws of gravity. It made it impossible for her to bend down and get under the car without giving those who were watching a full view of the geography of her lower body.
Wisdom invaded her head and it told her that if she could not hide her hair under the car, all was not lost and she could still save her precious hair. As a result of that reasoning, her hands went to the bottom of her blouse. She got hold of her blouse and raised it a few inches up. We saw how part of her belly looks like although her idea was not to be a belly dancer at that moment. Her idea was to make an instant umbrella. She managed to make part of the umbrella when she raised the blouse to the level of her KCC, that is, the breasts. I have no business telling you whether she was wearing a bra or not. What I will tell you is that she managed to pull the blouse up behind her shoulders until it covered her head. In that situation, she had a brief thing called a mini-skirt covering the lower part of her geography and nothing between the waist and the neck. Her head was of course very respectably covered in a self-made umbrella which was formerly a blouse.
The Son of the Soil and those who were watching of course laughed very loudly although the rain drops that were falling on my head were feeling like stones because unlike the skirt wearer, I have a semi-arid patch on top of my head. The skirt wearer (if you can call what she was wearing a skirt) did not seem to hear our laughter. Perhaps her ears were properly covered by the blouse so she walked on, her waist still swinging as if it had springs. She seemed to be saying, “better naked than wet”. I could not understand why a whole female adult was more scared of her hair getting wet than of showing her anatomy but I told myself that I might as well try to find out why skirts must suffer from cuts and slits. A skirt as I understand it is something with a waist and a hem at the bottom.
I understand that there is a difference between a skirt and a half open curtain and that is why I cannot comprehend why anybody should buy a skirt with a major split either in front, behind or on the sides. Although I cannot comprehend, that it does not stop some skirt wearers putting on what I call the Great Rift Valley skirt. Such a skirt has a split that runs on the front from the hem to the very close neighbourhood of the waist.The Great Rift Valley skirt behaves like two curtains that are very hostile to each other and so they cannot meet whatever you do. What that means is that when the owner is wearing it and sits down, she reveals more than she can hide. I suspect that is the whole idea about split skirts.
Their wearers do not wish to make your imagination work too hard so they bring the picture nearer home. I advise them to ask Zainabu a few things and they will be told to keep away from the neighbourhood where she met the fellows who had the sword of Jehovah.
If you ask me, those fellows who think that they have the duty to make sure that skirt wearers do not wear fig leaves in the name of skirts are just jealous of beautiful legs being put on display. They are jealous because they know that they themselves have no legs worth showing.
They know what a disaster it would be if men made a habit of wearing mini pants.
Just imagine a fellow like Whispers in mini pants, that is pants that are slightly bigger than a thumb nail. I suppose a mini pant would have to go with what is called a top, that is a relative of a blouse.The knee caps are another story all together. Mine simply look like two bones that are threatening to explode through the skin. I have no intentions of causing anybody nightmares so I will not wear hot pants.
However, I can do nothing about some people in my house wearing fig leaves in the name of skirts. One of them is the Investment.
The story was first written by the late Wahome Mutahi.Follow the conversation on Twitter @MagazineReel and @KoyoOdongo.