“God, why me?”
“I have been reckless many times before?”
“You know how many times I’ve had unprotected sex, right?”
“I mean, you are omniscient and omnipresent, after all.”
This was her prayer. No, not a prayer, a negotiation. A negotiation with God. She was trying to understand why God had allowed this to happen her. To her, a child of a picture-perfect family. They say accidents happen in the best regulated families. Her family was an embodiment of perfection, what most of the world envied.
“But you are not supposed to be having sex.”
“You are too young for that.”
His deep voice made her shiver. Was that the voice of the demons in her head taunting her or was it God talking to her? She wasn’t even sure that she actually had heard a voice talk to her. Or was it just her imagination? And that had managed to stir up a cauldron of stuff from her past. Memories. Her memories were that insidious hand that casually dropped poison in her daily cup of coffee, a small dose, just a little every day, causing her to gradually waste way. And every day, she was a little less alive. These memories would kill her. But no, maybe what was ahead of her would do it faster. Just maybe.
She remembered it all, with tears in her eyes. The ambiance of the room at the party, the elegance. The thick smoke from a bunch of guys smoking weed and cigars too. There was a tinge of expensive perfume in the air too. Something she had had a close encounter with, she remembered it all from the scent. How they had first met, at yet another party, just like this. The decibel level of music was a little bit high which made it impossible to have a conversation without shouting.
He was the tallest of them all, dark and handsome as one could possibly be. He had the perfect male features that had on one occasion prompted her to tell him that he needed to go ahead and fulfill his God-given mission on earth and sign up to be a regular sperm donor. He was not like the other, but in the real sense, he really was like any other guy.
“You are not married and there you were screwing around.”
“What did you expect?”
The voice in her head said. Or was it a calm voice in the still evening wind that was talking to her?
“Please God, not now.”
She said to herself.
“You know what happened, that we both know?”
That night, desire had grown glance by glance. And the alcohol was doing its job right, blurring her judgement. And when the stares and quick looks over her shoulder couldn’t do it for her anymore, she moved over to where he was seated. That was the cue for his buddies to leave and find themselves another table. Just as she had wanted, they were alone. In his eyes she saw it, a glint of desire. And she gave her best smile, that which made her irresistible.
She bit her lower lip in regret.
“So what now?”
“You going to tell him?”
She was at low ebb. Lost for words. She didn’t know what to do. Her thoughts were in disarray. She was in despair. Gloom and despondency hang heavily in the air around her. Hopelessness had been nibbling at her being for weeks and now had taken a bigger bite. Back then she had lived in utter arrogance and ignorance. A flawless impeccable girl that couldn’t conceive a world that didn’t revolve around her. But now, the world had gotten the last laugh.
“But you get that matters of sex aren’t always black and white?”
“It is a grey area for Pete’s sake.”
“And I was drunk, and so was he.”
“Tell me God, why did you let this happen though?”
Old guilt clung to her like cobwebs. And she could recall it all. How he stood there, like a tower of Damascus, steel hard, beautiful to behold and tempting to touch. And she had given in to the temptation. He touched her, felt his masculinity. And when the shimmering light fell on his well-defined features, it gave them a spectral beauty. And the sight before her eyes could arouse the carnal proclivities of a stone statue. And for a moment she was all sober from what she had seen. She lay her hand on him, and felt his smooth flawless skin. And he welcomed what she had started, and in a flash, she was half naked. That was how much they desired each other, or so they thought.
With the same lips that screamed his name as he lay on top of her feeling her breasts, she now was negotiating with God for what had been the outcome of that night. But it wasn’t a negotiation really. She was talking to God, or better yet, talking at him. On the other end of the table, God sat, asking her the hard questions and throwing hard facts at her. They were not going to reach a point of compromise.
“I just wanted you to learn your lesson.”
A lesson, really? This was more like a punishment, she thought, wiping tears that were running down her cheeks and running her make up. But that didn’t matter now. She was deep in thought. Wondering if God really existed. And why he allowed bad things to happen to good people. After all, I’m not the only person having random sex. But she knew she had to deal with it.
Okay then, lesson learnt Big Man, but you do know I can’t keep it, right?
I mean, not me, not now, just tell me you understand, please?
She knew that look, rather, she always thought of God to be like he Daddy and she very well knew how disappointment looked on his face. But she knew that this was not the first time she’d let him down and she definitely didn’t think it was going to be the last. Life’s too short anyway, she said to herself many times when she was on the verge of doing something stupid, irrational and risky. The decision she had made in her head was one of them.
“Since you clearly don’t understand my predicament, then just give me strength to deal with it on my own.”
“I’ll need lots of strength to get through this. Please God”
Silence. Tears. God had left the table. Maybe he’d heard her last request. She wasn’t sure. He could see him grow smaller and disappear at the far end of the corridor. The negotiation had failed. They had no common ground. She was on her own on this. Stillness. Chilling cold. Darkness. Her fate. Unknown.