How To Commentate a Village Football Match

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‘San Siro Stadium’ is located millions of miles away from civilization. The very bushy edges of River Wigwa whence you used to bring Kwaru’s cattle to graze. It’s been modelled into a ‘stadium’ though, thanks to Mheshimiwa who has matters of his constituents’ youth at heart. He has a big heart the constituents say, how else would one explain the sudden sprout of 64 toilets in Pandpieri Primary school alone? How? Mheshimiwa is ours forever.

Now San Siro Stadium will host the Mheshimiwa cup finals today, Unbwogable FC versus Goons Combined FC. You are new here my friend, and as the day’s commentator, I will take you over a few ropes then later on maybe, you will do your job; Commentating. You will realize that it’s all not as hard as they portray it to be.

The water channels lining the sides of the pitch shouldn’t bother you. That’s what players use to wash their feet after every match. Do not ask me if it’s the same water that after a million meanders in the slum, finally passes by San Siro to drain in the River Wigwa.

The Public Address system will be late, at least until the first half is over. Take note of that. No, not that we do not have electricity in this beautiful part of the world, hell no. We do have, Mheshimiwa has done a fine job in seeing to it, in fact the nearest homestead to San Siro that has power is Jaduong Arunga’s, 2 kilometres away. Why we can’t have it extended to San Siro you asK? Okay, Mheshimiwa might have done well to bring light to us, quite literally, but Jaduong’ Arunga’s two acres of land near San Siro miraculously disappeared with the coming of power. I heard people say Mheshimiwa reserved it for the construction of San Siro dressing room set for last year. Yes, it’s that land over there, exactly, the one that has a posho mill.

So that’s that my friend Mr. Commentator, Jaduong’ Arunga will never lend us power, not if Mheshimiwa only arrives five minutes to the match’s end as he always does.

Exercise those lungs bwana commentator, the entire stadium has to savor you oratory skills. Have you had a look at the team sheets? No? You can’t be serious, why?

Oh no, my friend you will not be able to cram these players’ jersey numbers. The jerseys have no numbers! Noo, the new ones Mheshimiwa bought will only be given to the winners today, yes after the match. So you better take the lists and follow me. We shall start with Goons Combined FC.

What’s the first name there? Otis Jamach? That iiis that bald headed young man with blue and green socks, see him? Good.

Next? Otieno Destroyer? Oh I didn’t know Otieno is back from prison. Now where the hell is Destroyer.., hey look over there from the bushes. See that smoke? Now whoever emerges from those bushes is Otieno Destroyer. He’s warming up for the match I guess, yes in the bushes. Do not be surprised. Next? Midenyo Jagoal is the goalkeeper, that shouldn’t worry you much. I’m hoping you’ve mastered the three, that can do for now.

Unbwogable FC has four players with the same surnames, so that should be easy I bet. How you ask? It’s simple, any other player from Unbwogable FC that possess the ball will be Odhis, all you have to do is embellish the name a bit. The players here like a good cajoling from the commentator. So say for Odhis defender you must add a second name like Mertersacker, Odhis Mertersacker. When he lifts the ball upwards to Odhis striker make sure you add Falcao to the striker. Your job is cut out already. ‘’Odhis Falcao, Falcaoo, Falcaoooo goaaal!’’ See? It’s easy.

Now that’s pretty much your task today. Do not worry about Mheshimiwa not being there when you wow the crowd with your high proficiency in commentary language. After all he wasn’t even there when Pand Pieri school emerged top in the county. But I can assure you he’ll be there for the photo session after the match, and probably you’ll be the one taking the photos as he hands over the jerseys to Odhis Falcao (assuming Otieno Destroyer does not incapacitate him like he did to a Njaga Bulldogs FC striker and ended up in prison).

Should Mheshimiwa elude you today and you do not know where to find our good man, be sure to log into Facebook tonight and like his page, there you’ll Mheshimiwa online chatting up constituents and discussing how thrilling this year’s final was. You can leave your comment with your phone number, trust me he’ll find you.

Any other thing? I need to take my leave. Oh language? Do you need to ask that really? You have to commentate in the people’s language. You know Luo? No? Then I’m sorry my friend, my help ends here. Yes, I know I’m very many good things but to teach an international language in what, three minutes? Kanyo to daa.

PS- If you really need to commentate this match you should have already learnt Luo, like last year. Now, head to the VIP section, I can see Odhis Falcao already has his left foot on the ball.

 

 

Comments

comments

4 COMMENTS

  1. Pand pieri primary sikul…Odhis Mertasacker ochenjo one, two, three kasto oloop ne Odhis Falcao. Mano Ojusi Matamo wang’a…Kansu…piga kansu…Osa mutu na tena Kata mutu~ Onyi Papa J style hehehe

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