This week I travelled to the village, on a Tuesday. As usual I sat at the back but never failed to notice that guy next to the driver with a magazine. I had made the public aware that I would be next to peruse the magazine, just in case there were similar people who were yet to notice that minding their own business should be extended to purchasing their own newspaper.
I was given that priority of being the next reader in line. When it came to my time, the guy seated just next to me grabbed the Magazine with a fake expression of concern after zooming out “a minute please” from his mouth. Instead of taking exactly one minute as he had suggested, the guy took more than half of the 4-hour journey. Immediately after he had gone through the orbituaries, the man went ahead and passed it over to the next person. By the time the Magazine embraced yours truly’s hands, everyone in the matatu had been made aware of what was in Tuesday paper, something I have never liked.
Bored but I decided to go ahead and have a read. As always, Ive never nor will I ever read the first page. A politics page to me always seems to be more of a blank page. But this time,funny enough I noticed Jaguar on the pictures of the first page. Jaguar had been appointed the new board member of NACADA! I think Uhuru was also targeting #TeamMiraa! Okay. Perhaps now we will fetch miraa right from the groceries, not the filthy kibandas we are used to, thanks to devolution, I thought out lazily only murmuring the words to myself.
Moving my eyes downwards of the first page, just close to Jaguar foot was Papa Shirandula. Papa seemed to be having very tough moments in the washrooms. It appeared as if he was driving, faster than a Subaru. Oops. No. He was running an advert for the Gotv guys. I was not surprised though, Kenyans usually do worse things for the sake of revenue.
Flipping through to the next page, someone was busy telling me to purchase a car tyre via my phone. For sure this ad was targeting me; my favorite ‘Need for Speed’ car had suffered a puncture last night. May be this was the right moment to replace it with one from the stores of this sales guys. Team Angry Birds, must now be wondering out loud what kind of a game is Need for Speed?
Just close to it, Another company was advertising a tractor and says it was going for only 10 million shillings. I had to ‘Okoa Bundles’ and ‘Google’ what this word ‘only’ could mean here. I was not so much learned as I had thought.
Next page, Samsung S5 was going at an offer Ksh 74,999. They went ahead and told me to ‘Hurry while stocks last’. Okay Samsung, I am on my way. Though am expecting a car as a reward for buying this product of yours, plus an insurance cover.
Over half of the pages, I saw NIC. I noticed it is a bank; not a club? Next page please. I was still looking for sense in the said paper. Perhaps, let me try if I can find it in the stock market, I thought to myself. I decided to be curious enough. I wan end to know what those guys do write? The functions of the so many tables, figures and graphs with those terms that made me drop business studies right at primary level. Mmh this also ended up as just another blank page, better the politics page which had Jaguar, I couldn’t grasp a thing!
Still holding on to hopes, I thought that perhaps the obituaries page would make my day.
Three quarters of the paper and, ahem, ‘Obama is coming to Kenya’!, shouted the headline. Catchy indeed. Am told during his visit, phones will not be working in the whole of East and Central Africa. No calls, SMS, WhatsApp and , I also overheard that the camera feature in phones will be disabled. According to me, that means no selfies. Am also told that during his visit, you will not be able to experience rains.
Rumor has it that no lady will experience periods on that time. So those gals who have been using this to keep men away, you have time to come up with a new strategy. July is quite far still. Obama the most powerful man in the planet is not just anyone. You see, back at home in state house he has 2 daughters. A girl whose boyfriend is a matter of global concern. As her boyfriend, you will appear in a committee of experts for investigations and ensure the president’s daughter is dating a man extraordinary as she is. Your certificate of good conduct, and all other qualifications as you will be provided by the secret service must be met.
At least I completed the paper. I must thank myself for not having released any fund to purchase the newspaper. It must have been the most boring paper ever produced on a Tuesday. The guy next to the driver just wasted Ksh. 50. Just like that!!!
Twitter handle @HesbornN