Do not get it twisted, its twisted Tuesday.
Keep calm, wether you are a Kenyan From Kisii County or the place where My Friend Omete calls home. Its Tuesday and its twisted Tuesday. Shout out to my country Kenya, decades after independence, we still have some old folks claiming to have seriously fought for independence, calling themselves “Mau-Mau” they want the government to at least give them some notes!,I thought of writing about them today but then #WhatWouldMaghufuliDo? I will consult Mr Pombe then probably speak about these old men mostly from the slopes of Mount Kenya. Today, as an honorable Citizen, I take this chance to follow the path of my contemporaries Collymore and the Mwangi family in declaring my heard earned wealth. Remember, this is in the interest of transparency and those few pundits who have been quoting me as “Corrupt!”
Somewhere in Kenya, Bob is worth Ksh10Miliion yet my friend Milly lives below the budget(Enyewe si poa) .So i picked the Kenyan Map,ran my fingers on it with the question “Where does it hurt” running through my rather Semi-thick brain. “Everywhere,everywhere! ” came the answer, Yes Collymore’s wealth declaration hurts me everywhere, from the airtime that have mysteriously disappeared from my Kaduda like the Malaysia plane to the sound “You have insufficient balance to make this call, please recharge your account, and try again,” But then am afraid of being sued by Suffuricom ops! Safaricom, the way my guy Uhuru talked during the Jamhuri day celebrations, it seem the Nyayo Torture chambers will be opened soon and I don’t want to be the first visitor there under the constitution that can be easily be broken and fixed by one Mr Keter, oh the ‘New constitution’ Because of that I will stick to my topic of wealth declaration “Kwa hayo Machache”
“My name is Caleb Odongo Koyo. Koyo in this case means “Cold”, Odongo means I have a twin somewhere called Opiyo and Caleb is because of my excellence performance in Sunday school, don’t mind the explanations, am a Kenyan by Identity. First I would like to thank my friend Oyundi, Nyakundi, Omete and the other Oyundi.
Well own a pair of shoes I inherited from my Grandfather Akuku, these shoes are mainly for selling out my manifestos out there whenever I see a project I should pursue and suffocate my toes inside the lucky pair of shoes. The results are out there, I have only one Old flame, no current flame but numerous friends who are always around for a tee-tee, I mean those that I sit down to share stories and tales with. Despite their “Okello’s Shoes” nature, I treasure the pair so much. Find them safely kept all the time under by hard mahogany bed at times though they served as a pillow. Those were the day I was still blessed to have a running mate.
I also own a coffee mug, this is to keep up with the Kenyan philosophy of “Every time is tea time” since at times I operate below the budget and cant afford some tea for the boss. I prepare some and keep it in a flask, Man! You never know when you will be called for an interview. I love my coffee/tea so much, it keeps me awake late in the night as I chat up with my fellow Man of letter Jerome Wakimani Onyango. Its engine behind the energy I use past midnight going through my whatsapp contacts to check on the status updates,the WCW,MCM,KTN,WTV and all sorts of short-forms ladies want us to live with . This is also the time I log on to twitter to check on the Hashtags and to see if my potential employer sent me a direct message.
I have a chicken back in the village, the last time I was home was in January. I will soon get back home and I’ll need a report from my grandmother, a comprehensive one on how many times my chicken “Kaswiti” has layed eggs and how may cocks she has produced. You see I wont mind hitting the headlines if grandma will tell me that Her aunty came over and that was the end of “Kaswiti’s” lineage. He/she who kills my chicken commits an international crime and by that I mean Joshua Sang has no business at the ICC. So if I gave her a look likely to suggest she is inter-pool’s most wanted I would only be seeking Justice for my chicken. I have Ksh101 in my M-pesa account and that means that I can only withdraw Ksh50. I also owe Bob collymore some Ksh20, in cash I have more than ten thousand shillings.
I don’t trust banks that’s why I keep the thousands with me, its around Ksh15000 the last time I checked. To Waiguru Like Kenyans, that’s for a pair of Socks! By that help me do the Math, in totality I Caleb Odongo Koyo, hereby declare that my Net-worth is around around Ksh15171, the figures are likely to change either way depending on how I eat and what my next business is, but as for now in the interest of transparency and Corruption, I have spoken. So I pray to God that people like Raila, Kinuthia mbugua, Muigai and the hustler “Ruto” follow this path we have taken. We want this nation to be good and transparent “Na hatutakubali yeyote anayevuruga Wananchi na Hio Mambo ya Referendum, mara Mahindoi, hoteli na hawajajitokeza waambie wakenya hii mambo”
That was Tuesday twisted, Hit the comment box or get us on twitter @MagazineReel or @KoyoOdongo .Do not get it twisted!